Craving Touch
by eternalsailorsolarwind
Summary: Slight angst. Ever notice that Hakkai never touches anyone unless its to heal them? Gojyo has some issues with that. Gojyo x Hakkai.
1. Chapter 1

**Craving Touch**

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: Not owned by me, unfortunately. That lucky person is Minekura Kazuya. I just play with her characters for fun.

A/N: A little Hakkai ficlet, some slight angst, with a hint of Gojyo/Hakkai thrown in for seasoning. In case you're wondering, I've never seen Hakkai touch anyone unless it was an emergency – Hakuryu/Jiipu notwithstanding. Yet Gojyo is always touching him….

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The one thing that Cho Hakkai missed more than anything else was touch. Believing himself to be worthless because of his crimes, the converted youkai tried to never touch anyone any more than was absolutely necessary. Of course, being a healer meant he had to touch people occasionally, but he never initiated contact otherwise.

Sanzo respected his unvoiced wishes, and rarely touched him. Goku was more problematic, as the young youkai touched everyone as often as possible. Gojyo, on the other hand, _always_ touched him. A simple touch to make sure he was unhurt, or a friendly arm slung over his shoulder was agony to Hakkai, who craved touch but refused to give into the desire to touch and be touched.

0o0o0

Waking from sleep, Hakkai tensed as he felt himself held close to a familiar body. Strong, graceful hands slowly caressed him; not sexually, but instead in a very soothing, yet sensual way. Hakkai held himself taut, refusing to give into the urge to relax and enjoy the sensation of hands on him.

"Would you loosen up?" rumbled Gojyo quietly. "You know you can't swindle me, Hakkai."

Hakkai said nothing, understanding what the kappa meant. With a soft sigh, he slowly let his muscles unknot, allowing himself to be touched. And more importantly, to actually allow himself to enjoy the attention Gojyo gave him.

Gojyo caressed and petted him, letting Hakkai feel the heat from his body as they lay together. Each touch soothed the rawness inside Hakkai's soul, and he drew a shuddering breath. A sense of calm stole over him as Gojyo's hands stilled and drew him into an embrace.

Hakkai couldn't admit how much these occasional moments with Gojyo actually meant to him. It was a peculiar form of love; Gojyo giving him the touches he craved, and for Hakkai to allow Gojyo to be the only one to relieve those cravings.

Turning in those arms, he caught a glimpse of startled crimson eyes that became pleased when he returned the hug. There was comfort here, in these arms, along with something else that Hakkai wasn't sure he was worthy enough for, but wanted anyway.

Maybe…one day he would be able to tell Gojyo that.


	2. Chapter 2

Craving Touch

Chapter 2

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: Owned by Minekura Kazeuya. I just play with her characters for fun.

A/N: It seems Gojyo has something to say about this too. The one-shot has become a continuation. Who knew? Hints of Gojyo/Hakkai.

0o0o0o0o0o

Flicking his Zippo, Gojyo lit his cigarette, inhaling and feeling the first rush of smoke in his lungs. Stuffing the lighter into his pocket, the kappa leaned against the pillar of the porch of the inn the Sanzo-_ikkou_ had stayed at the night before. Hakkai had put his foot down, and the group would be remaining here for another day – mostly to take care of "household" chores, such as laundry and supply shopping. Gojyo didn't mind the break; there were a couple of pretty waitresses he could check out while he was in town…..

The cigarette suddenly turned to ashes in his mouth. The thought was habit, but he didn't really feel like going out and getting laid. Not by one of those waitresses, anyway. Taking the cigarette out of his mouth, he hawked and spit, trying to get rid of the sick taste in his mouth.

"_Yare, yare_, Gojyo. What will the townspeople think of us?" asked Hakkai mildly, startling Gojyo with his silent approach.

"Heh, who cares what they think?" asked Gojyo with his usual grin, taking another drag from his cigarette. Turning to face his best friend, Gojyo ran an appraising eye over him, trying to judge his mood.

More relaxed, if anything, he decided. Yesterday, the healer had been practically vibrating from the tension in his muscles. Today, he was closer to whatever passed for normal for Hakkai. There were some shadows still around those green eyes, but there had been shadows there for the entire time Gojyo had known the converted youkai. His spending the night with Hakkai had done its usual job, it seemed. Satisfied for the moment, Gojyo blew out a smoke ring, playfully directing it towards Hakkai, knowing that the other man will call him on it.

"Gojyo?" asked Hakkai, waving the smoke away with a slight frown.

"It's nothing. You gonna do the shopping?" Replied Gojyo, unable to keep the smirk out of his voice. Teasing his best friend could be fun – to a point. After that, you had to be careful, or that sharp tongue of his might take the skin right off you.

"Yes, the inn will do our laundry for us," agreed Hakkai, pausing for a moment. "And Sanzo wanted to be alone."

With a shrug, Gojyo pushed himself upright. "I'll go along then, give you a hand. I sure don't want to hang around with the shitty monk being all pissy."

They left, Gojyo falling in a step behind to watch over his friend. It seemed that the time he'd spent with Hakkai last night really had paid off. The healer was about as relaxed as he ever was, though still going out of his way to not be touched by anyone – Gojyo included. The hanyou sighed, it was always like this.

He didn't understand how anyone could _not_ want to be touched. Gojyo knew he was a sensualist – he loved to touch and be touched. That was the reason he fought with Goku in the jeep, slung an arm over the pissy monk's shoulder whenever he got the chance, and flirted with pretty girls along the way. He couldn't stand to _not_ be touched.

Which is why he used any excuse to touch Hakkai. Gojyo couldn't stand to see what his best friend was doing to himself by denying himself touch. He turned into a tight, tense wreck that snipped at everyone – while pretending to be perfectly fine and dandy. At least, that's how it started out.

Now…now he just wanted to touch Hakkai for the sake of touching Hakkai. It was an addiction; like needing a cigarette. He was starting to crave touching Hakkai. Even now, his hands itched with the need to reach out and touch that smooth, pale skin. To feel the silky softness of that rich brown hair running through his fingers. He wondered, briefly, what Hakkai's lips tasted like.

The thought brought Gojyo up short. What the fuck? He did not just think that. His eyes slid over to Hakkai, who had continued on. The same thoughts surfaced again, this time with an accompanying rush of heat through his body. Well, shit. Where the hell had _that_ come from?

He did _not_ fall for his best friend somewhere along the way of this fucked-up field trip west. He did _not_ want to kiss his Hakkai breathless. He did _not_ want to spend long, hot, slick nights learning every inch of the converted youkai's body.

Fuck it all to hell, yes he did. He wanted it _all_.

"Gojyo? Is something wrong?" Hakkai called back to him questioningly.

He caught up to Hakkai, cursing himself under his breath. What the hell was he supposed to do now?


	3. Chapter 3

Craving Touch

Chapter 3

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: All rights owned by Minekura Kazuya. I just own copies of the manga, anime, and some drama CD's.

A/N: And so it continues. Hakkai/Gojyo.

0o0o0o0o0o

Hakkai looked in the rearview mirror for the third time in the last ten minutes. Gojyo was staring at the scenery, puffing on a cigarette while ignoring Goku's attempts to rile him into an argument. The kappa had been chain-smoking ever since they had returned from the grocery shopping the day before. Looking back to the road, wondering what was wrong, Hakkai caught a slight movement beside him.

Glancing over, he caught Sanzo looking in his mirror back at Gojyo. It was only for a moment, but even the monk had noticed the change in demeanor. Hakkai was sure that Sanzo was merely enjoying the quiet in the back seat while it lasted. Heaven forbid the monk actually be _worried_ about Gojyo.

Deciding to not – for the moment – break the quiet in the jeep, Hakkai wondered about the sudden silence from Gojyo. It wasn't noticeable until late in the afternoon yesterday. What could have caused it?

There was nothing that he could think of from yesterday that could cause his best friend to be so …reserved, something so very out of character for him. Hakkai felt his throat tighten at the memory of the night before that, however. That was the night when Gojyo had sensed his need to be touched, and had come to him to calm and soothe him.

While that was nothing truly out of the ordinary, since Gojyo had been doing that for him for years, that night had been somewhat different. Even though he needed it, he'd always accepted his friend's ministrations almost unwillingly. Though always grateful to Gojyo, he felt weak for needing it. That had changed, somewhat, the other night.

Hakkai had allowed himself to truly enjoy the warmth of another person for the first time in years. He had admitted, wordlessly, that he needed to be touched; that he _wanted_ to be touched. And that he wanted it to be Gojyo that touched him. The only one he wanted to touch him.

From the look on Gojyo's face, he'd thought his best friend to be happy with the development when he'd turned in the other man's arms to face him. It had been surprised, yet pleased. Now, he wondered if he'd misread the look; that perhaps he was hoping for something Gojyo couldn't give him. The kappa was a ladies' man, after all. Allowing the wounded Gonou to recuperate was as far as he would stretch his rule about no men in his bed.

"Hakkai!" snarled a voice to his left, breaking him from his thoughts. Realizing he'd allowed the jeep to drift from the road, he jerked the wheel to get them back on course. Pulling to a stop, he sat still, panting at the near miss. He could have killed them all while engrossed in his thoughts.

Looking into the rearview mirror to apologize to the passengers in the back seat, he was stopped by a pair of worried ruby eyes. Emerald and ruby locked for a moment, and Hakkai clearly "heard" Gojyo's silent, "_We'll talk later."_

0o0o0o

"Later" was when the four of them headed to their rooms to sleep. Somehow, the kappa managed to room with him that night. He'd been able to feel those distinctive eyes on him ever since the incident in the jeep that afternoon. Feeling self-conscious under those eyes for the first time in years, Hakkai waited until Gojyo went to the bathroom before changing into his night clothes. It was odd how…. hesitant he felt about this upcoming talk with his best friend.

Hearing Gojyo enter the room, Hakkai looked up. Those ruby eyes took in the changes since the kappa had left, and he watched as they darkened slightly with something very much like sorrow before they lightened with forced cheer.

"What's wrong?" they both asked at the same time.

The kappa chuckled, "You first."

Hakkai licked his dry lips before speaking, idly noticing that his best friend was watching his every move. "You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?"

Gojyo, lighting another cigarette, choked. "You, ah, noticed that, huh?"

"You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo," Hakkai responded primly. "I couldn't help but notice."

Chuckling wryly, Gojyo ran a hand through his damp red hair. "Should've known. You never miss anything."

"Gojyo…?"

"It's …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head," replied the kappa, looking away for a moment. "So…what's wrong on your end, 'Kai? You don't usually drive Hakuryu off the road."

Hakkai was not surprised by the change in subject. It was a tactic they had both used often over the years. Sometimes it worked, sometimes not. This time, Hakkai let it go.

"I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me."

Gojyo's eyebrows rose, obviously surprised that Hakkai was volunteering even that much information. "You get it worked out?"

"Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what's bothering me will probably never be completely resolved," Hakkai said, giving his friend a slightly forced smile.

The cheerful façade slipped from Gojyo's eyes like water. Crossing the room, he sat on his own bed. "Let me know if you get it worked out," he said, his voice flat.

Taken aback by the sudden change in his best friend, Hakkai could only watch as the kappa stretched out on the bed, rolling until he was facing away from him. What had he missed in the last five minutes?

The answer hit Hakkai like a kick to the gut. Gojyo _knew_. He knew about the change in his best friend's feelings for him. Gojyo knew, and was trying to figure out how to let him down easy, without hurting him. It explained everything, from the chain-smoking and the silence in the jeep, to the sudden rejection of him just a minute before.

Swallowing down his sudden nausea, Hakkai lay down on his own small, lonely bed, staring up at the ceiling. Though he had expected nothing less, the reality of the fact that the man he had come to love couldn't love him back hurt more than he had anticipated. The pain clawed at his stomach, making it twist into knots. Getting up quickly, he crossed the hall to the bathroom, emptying the contents of his stomach into the toilet. Panting, he rested his head against the cold porcelain, still feeling the ache in his heart.

What in heaven's name was he going to do now?


	4. Chapter 4

Craving Touch

Chapter 4

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all of its characters are owned by Minekura Kazuya, Geneon, ADV, Ichijinsha, Tokyopop, and a couple other legal entities that escape me at the moment. I just write with the characters for fun.

A/N: Back to Gojyo's POV. The angst is starting to really get thick in here. Still Gojyo/Hakkai.

0o0o0o0o0

Gojyo stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. "Get it together, man. You can do this. You can face your best friend and not let him know you've fallen for him."

He snorted at the disbelieving look on his reflected face. Sure he could. And while he was at it, maybe he could get the _bakazaru_ to not eat half the menu by himself every time they stopped at a restaurant. The kappa sighed. He'd just have to hope that whatever it was that was bothering Hakkai would be enough to distract the other man from how out of it he was.

Steeling himself, Gojyo returned to the room he was sharing with Hakkai for the night. He glanced around, checking for anything out of place, a habit he'd picked up on this never-ending trip to India. All he saw was Hakkai, sitting on the bed. The other man had looked up when he'd walked in, watching him. Gojyo quickly noticed that the healer had changed into what he wore to sleep in.

That hurt, since Hakkai used clothes as a shield. He hated letting anyone see that scar he'd received the day he'd become a youkai, the physical reminder of his crimes as Cho Gonou. Gojyo himself had always been an exception to that rule, but that was because he'd tended the wound, and knew the whole story behind how he'd gotten it. There was nothing that Hakkai needed to hide from him, so he didn't. Until now, it seemed.

Forcing himself to pretend there was nothing wrong, that he wasn't hurt; he smiled cheerfully at his roommate, knowing it wasn't looking quite right. "What's wrong?"

He heard Hakkai's voice echo him, and he chuckled, "You first."

Hakkai paused before speaking, licking his lips. Gojyo found his eyes drawn to the movement. "You have been very quiet lately, Gojyo. Ever since we returned from shopping yesterday afternoon, in fact. Is something wrong? Can I help?"

Gojyo, who had tried to light a cigarette to cover the fact that he was staring at his best friend, choked. Was something wrong? Could the other man help? Images of the converted youkai in his arms, under him, _over_ him, flashed through his mind. Oh yeah, Hakkai could help all right. Somehow, he managed to get out, "You, ah, noticed that, huh?"

"You have been chain smoking, Gojyo. Usually, you leave that to Sanzo," replied Hakkai. "I couldn't help but notice."

Running a hand through his still-damp hair, Gojyo chuckled. Why he thought he'd managed to put one over on his best friend was beyond him. "Should've known. You never miss anything."

"Gojyo?"

The healer's tone was confused and curious. Looking away, unable to face his friend at the moment, afraid of something else his best friend would probably not miss, he continued, "It's …nothing, Hakkai. Just something I have to work out in my head. So… what's wrong on your end, 'Kai? You usually don't drive Hakuryu off the road."

He was relieved when Hakkai let the change of subject go. He really didn't know what he would have told the other man had he pressed.

"I was lost in thought. Something was…bothering me."

Surprised that Hakkai didn't just blow the question off, since the converted youkai always deflected – or flat-out denied – anything that might hint that all was not right with him, he asked, "You get it worked out?"

"Not quite yet. I am coming to the conclusion that what's bothering me will probably never be completely resolved," replied Hakkai, smiling at him.

It was Hakkai's smile that wiped the forced smile right off his own face. Hakkai never smiled at him like that. That smile was a mask, used to hide his pain, insecurity, and everything else that bothered the man from the world at large. Seeing it used on him now made something twist painfully in his chest. Why would he…? And then Gojyo realized exactly why he'd use that smile.

Hakkai must have figured it out. His best friend must have discovered that he, the playboy of the group, had fallen hard for the other man. The converted youkai didn't know how to react, so instead he threw up a wall between them until he could. It explained why he had driven off the road this afternoon; Hakkai was thinking too hard on how to let him off easy, without tearing the heart right out of his chest.

Not bothering to hide his pain from the other man, Gojyo made his way to his bed, sitting down. "Let me know if you get it worked out." His voice sounded flat and toneless to his own ears, but didn't give a damn. Lying down, he rolled over to face the wall. He couldn't bear to look at his best friend right now. It stung too much.

Hakkai said nothing, though Gojyo could feel those emerald eyes on his back. He ignored the sensation, and wondered if he had just lost his best friend for good. That hurt the most, the thought that the other man wouldn't even be able to stand the sight of him now. It made his chest feel tight, like he couldn't breathe.

He heard Hakkai lay down, before getting back up and quickly leaving the room just a few minutes later. A bitter, self-mocking grin crossed his face.

"Way to go, jackass. Just piss away the best friend you ever had by wanting something you know you can't have," Gojyo muttered to himself, raking long fingers through long, blood-red hair.

Sitting up, he got off the bed and fled the room. He didn't want to be here when Hakkai got back – assuming he came back – from wherever it was he went. All he wanted to do right now was go drown his sorrows in a few bottles of saké. Maybe if he got himself shitfaced, he could deal with not being wanted by the one person he needed to want him. 'Cause sure as shit he couldn't deal with it right now.


	5. Chapter 5

Craving Touch

Chapter 5

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: Saiyuki and all characters belong to Minekura Kazuya, Ichijinsha, Tokypop, and several other legal entities. I just play with the characters for fun.

A/N: I'm sorry this took so long! Hakkai and Gojyo decided not to talk to me for awhile, so this was slow going. Unfortunately, this will be on true hiatus for awhile, since I just moved halfway across the country, started a new job, and have to travel for two weeks for work. I'll try to work on it when I can, but it will probably be awhile before this updates again.

Back to Hakkai's perspective. Still angsty, but I'm hoping we're coming to the end of that tunnel.

0o0o0o0o0o

"I don't care what happened, just fix it!" growled Sanzo. "At this rate, he'll get the rest of us killed, not to mention himself."

"H-hai," murmured Hakkai. He plastered his fake smile on his face. "_Yare yare_, Gojyo can certainly be troublesome sometimes."

Amethyst eyes locked onto emerald. "I know something happened between you two. The fact that Gojyo is willing to room with _me_ proves it. Not that he's actually sleeping there."

Hakkai sighed, closing his eyes to block out the monk's accusatory ones. Sanzo was right; Gojyo was rooming with the blond priest more often than not lately, though it was more like he was just storing his gear there. Gojyo spent most nights getting himself blind drunk and then sleeping it off during the day as they traveled west. A night or two of this behavior was one thing, two weeks straight another entirely.

The worst of it was that all of it was his fault. Because he'd fallen for his best friend; a man who cared for him as a friend, but nothing more. Hakkai still wasn't sure how he'd given his feelings away to Gojyo, but he must have somehow. It was the only way to explain the kappa's avoidance of him. Even to the point of ostensibly rooming with Sanzo, though in reality staying in the bar all night. In four years, he'd never seen Gojyo act like this. It worried him, because he feared that Sanzo was right and Gojyo _would_ get himself killed.

0o0o0o

The battle had been short, but fierce. There were many youkai in the group they'd faced, but all of them were small fry. Nothing more than exercise. Or so they'd thought.

Hakkai sat back from where he leaned over the pale, quiet body of his best friend. Sweat poured down his face, dripping off his chin to land next to the prone kappa. The wound was finally closed, and Gojyo's breathing was beginning to sound normal again. It had been very close; if he'd waited even five more minutes, Hakkai feared he would have lost Gojyo forever.

The red head had been clumsy in the battle, his hangover the most obvious reason why. Usually, Gojyo in battle was grace personified; it took quite a bit of skill to wield the _shakujo_ in such a way to be as precisely deadly as it was. While the kappa had not endangered any of the _ikkou_ with his uncharacteristic clumsiness, his guard had been so sloppy that it was practically nonexistent.

Hakkai swallowed down the lump in his throat as the thought passed through his mind, unbidden; _As if he was trying to get himself killed_.

Hakkai pushed back the guilt and self-hatred the thought caused. It was ridiculous to think that Gojyo had tried suicide-by-youkai. It was just the hangover that caused the hanyou to be hurt; nothing more. He wasn't trying to escape Hakkai.

A soft knock on the door brought the converted youkai out of his depressing thoughts. Looking over, he saw Goku stick his head in the room. Expressive gold eyes showed their worry, as they glanced over to the unconscious kappa. The young youkai asked a question in a stage-whispered voice, "How is he, Hakkai?"

"He seems to be resting comfortably, Goku."

Goku edged the rest of the way into the room. "Will he be okay?"

Hakkai allowed his usual smile to cross his face, "Of course, Goku. This is Gojyo we are speaking of. He'll be fine with time and rest." He raised his voice slightly for the benefit of the monk that he knew would be standing just behind Goku – out of sight. "Perhaps a week to ten days, and then he should be healed enough to travel again."

"He gets seven days, Hakkai. No more." A hard voice said from outside the room. "If he's not ready, we'll leave his sorry, hung-over ass here."

"_Yare yare_," replied Hakkai with a sigh. "Then if the two of you will be so kind as to leave? Gojyo needs his rest. Oh, and Goku, please bring up some beef broth after you two have dinner. I'll start him out on that until I see how well Gojyo is healing."

The boy nodded, and withdrew. The room was again quiet, and it allowed Hakkai time to think. His mind played over the battle again and again, searching for how he could have saved Gojyo from his injuries. He could find nothing, but that did not put his guilt to rest. He had nearly failed another person he loved. Hakkai wondered if he was cursed to cause pain to the ones that he loved.

"Stop wi' that face, 'Kai. It don't look right on ya'."

Hakkai's head shot up at the slurred, weak voice. He hadn't expected Gojyo to wake up tomorrow, let alone today. He moved to look critically at his best friend.

"You have seen better days yourself, my friend," Hakkai replied. "If I may paraphrase one of your 'poker buddies', you look like 'death warmed over on a cracker.'"

Gojyo chuckled weakly, "Since I feel like it, that don't surprise me any."

Hakkai watched as exhaustion and pain caught up with the kappa. Gojyo's eyelids drooped, and the red head snapped them back open in an attempt to stay awake, before finally losing the battle and falling asleep. He didn't have to ask his friend what had happened during the battle. A two week drinking binge, with little substantial food or rest, had taken its toll on even Gojyo's iron constitution. He had simply worn himself down to the point where his body refused to continue.

Guilt, that ever familiar presence in his life, rose up and threatened to swamp the converted youkai. It was his feelings for Gojyo that caused his friend to hide himself in alcohol; he drove the other man to this. Hakkai swallowed back his sudden nausea at realizing how close he'd been to losing the other man.

"I'm sorry," he said to his sleeping friend. "It's my fault you got yourself hurt. I never meant to drive you away; to make you hate me."

Hakkai bowed his head, shuddering slightly at his words, even if only he heard it. It would probably be the closest he ever came to actually admitting what he felt for the kappa.

"…Dun' hate ya', Kai," slurred a familiar, drowsy voice. "Could never hate ya'…."

Hakkai's head came up sharply, and he stared at slitted crimson eyes for a moment before those eyes again drifted shut, and Gojyo fell back asleep, snoring softly. While it was a tremendous relief that Gojyo didn't, after all, hate him, the healer wondered what could make the kappa avoid him so …strenuously for two weeks. It just didn't make sense. His healer's eyes skimmed the form of the man he had come to love, wondering just what was going on, and how to make things right between them.


	6. Chapter 6

Craving Touch

Chapter 6

By: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: _Saiyuki_ and all related characters belong to Minekura Kazuya, Ichijiinsha, Tokyopop, and several other legal entities whose names escape me at the moment. I only play with the characters for fun.

A/N: Finally! I know some of you were wondering when I would pick this series up again, but I had a nasty case of writer's block. This chapter is dedicated to CompliCait for beta-ing this chapter, and helping me get the flow going again. In Gojyo's POV, of course.

0o0o0o0o0o

Gojyo floated through sleep much like cork floating on the calm surface of a lake, before arriving at full wakefulness like a bobber suddenly surfacing after the fish breaks the line. Blinking, he stared up at the white ceiling of the room where he lay, trying to remember how he got there. He wasn't exactly surprised that his memories were kind of fuzzy; after all, he was used to getting extremely wasted trying to keep up with Hakkai when the other man drank.

But as he stared at the spider crawling across the ceiling Gojyo realized that he had no hangover. His head ached enough, but he was a connoisseur of hangovers and this wasn't the same kind of headache. There was no urge to have a heart-to-heart talk with the porcelain god. Instead, it just felt like his head had been split open by Goku's nyoi-bo.

But hell did he have to piss! Gojyo shifted his weight to roll off the bed, and stopped with a surprised cry of pain. When the hell…? That was when his spotty memories came crashing back to him, making his head throb with each new memory falling into place.

The kappa remembered very well the night when Hakkai had broadly hinted he had no feelings for him. That was the night he decided to drown his sorrows in alcohol. Gojyo wasn't entirely sure how long he'd been doing that; his memories were short and dim, mainly of drinking and hangovers. A few glimpses of battles fought. But there were very few memories of Hakkai in those pieces of memory. Had he been avoiding Hakkai - or was it the other way around?

"Hey, you awake," asked a surprisingly quiet voice.

Gojyo twitched in surprise, hissing at the sharp pain it caused. Carefully, he turned to see Goku half in the room, looking concerned.

"Yeah, but I gotta piss. Gimme a hand up, will ya?" Gojyo was shocked at how rusty his voice sounded. How long had it been since he'd used it?

"Nuh uh. Hakkai said to tell him the moment you were awake."

"Come on, Goku, I gotta pee," Gojyo whined. "You gonna let me embarrass myself before you go get Hakkai?"

"You don't need my help to do that, _erokappa_," replied Goku, his tone suddenly angry. "Hakkai's a mess, tryin' to get you well again."

Gojyo felt ridiculously pleased by the last half of that statement before he ruthlessly buried it. "Help me to the can, and then you can get Hakkai. Unless _you_ want to tell him why we'd have to change the sheets."

Grumbling, Goku agreed. The young youkai helped the kappa to the bathroom. After making sure that Gojyo wouldn't topple over, the golden-eyed young man allowed him his privacy.

Finishing his business, sweating and trembling from the exertion of making it to the bathroom, Gojyo was alarmed by his weakness. He couldn't ever remember feeling like this before, no matter how much he fought or drank. Splashing water on his face, the red-head was not looking forward to what Hakkai was going to say about his condition, knowing that Hakkai was going to politely skin him alive with soft, yet extremely pointed words.

Stumbling to the door, using the wall to support him, Gojyo opened it, nearly falling backwards in surprise. Instead of Goku, Hakkai waited there, green eyes anxious.

"Gojyo," asked Hakkai's overly-pleasant voice. "If you had needed to use the facilities, there _was _a bedpan in the room."

"I'm a big boy, Ma," sulked the kappa. "I made it down the hall to the bathroom."

"Not without help," Hakkai pointed out, stepping back to allow Gojyo to come out of the bathroom. "Goku told me you needed to use him as a crutch."

"Whatever." Gojyo's temper was starting to rise at the overly solicitous tone his friend was using. He wasn't a baby that needed to be coddled. Yeah, he got hurt, but he was getting better, right?

With a sigh, Hakkai moved to stand next to him, placing Gojyo's arm around his shoulder so he could be used as a living crutch. Gojyo stared at him as the converted youkai took a couple of steps forward, his shock allowing him to be carried along. What the hell was Hakkai doing? Before he could say anything, the sound of a lighter made him turn his head.

Gojyo watched as hooded purple eyes flicked back and forth between himself and Hakkai, as Sanzo inhaled his cigarette. Removing the cancer stick from his mouth, he blew out the smoke.

"Hn." He smirked, his voice dripping condescension and amusement. "You two idiots deserve each other."

He passed by them on his way to his own room, deliberately bumping into Hakkai's shoulder, which pushed the converted youkai against Gojyo. Hakkai stumbled, trying to keep both of them upright. Finally, he regained his balance, and Gojyo could sense his friend's glare at the monk's back.

"Come Gojyo," said Hakkai, irritation plain in his voice, "let's check your bandages."

Gojyo knew better than to argue with _that_ tone of voice.

Later, after he'd been fed and Hakkai had helped him to and from the facilities again, Gojyo allowed himself to slip into a light doze as Hakkai changed his bandages. He was able to relax, for the first time in a long while, under the deft, yet still caring fingers of his best friend. If he continued to let himself drift the red head could fool himself into thinking that the brunette's touches were that of a lover, instead of a healer. His mind floated back to the shitty monk's words of a few hours earlier. He wondered what Sanzo had meant by them; he was sure that the blonde hadn't meant what _Gojyo_ wanted them to mean. Hakkai didn't think of him that way. And yet….

His mind whispered to him, traitorously, that Hakkai had actually touched him, back there in the hall. Had, in fact, half-carried him back to bed after the run-in with the corrupt monk. The healer had also kept him from whining and complaining like he always did when he was hurt. In fact, Gojyo hadn't been allowed to say a word in the aftermath of the "confrontation." Not in his own defense for trying to drown himself at the bottom of a bottle, nor in an attempt to make things "normal" again between them.

At this point, even that was better than the awful sense of limbo and dread that hung between them right now.

Making up his mind, Gojyo decided that, first thing in the morning, he was going to try to make things right; back to being best friends with Hakkai. Back to what they'd had before he had allowed his "feelings" to get in the way. But for tonight, he was going to relax and simply enjoy the sensation of Hakkai touching _him_ for a change.

Gojyo had long ago decided he would take what he could get out of life. If this was what he could get, then so be it. He wasn't willing to give up what he _did_ have reaching for a pipe dream.

A familiar warmth spreading across his chest interrupted the kappa's thoughts. Hakkai was giving him another healing treatment. He twitched slightly, but didn't open his eyes. After a few minutes, the warmth ebbed away, leaving him feeling better. The touch of slim fingers against his chest, however, did not stop. The hanyou resisted the urge to open his eyes and look at Hakkai. Instead, he continued to lay still, his breathing slow and steady; as if he was asleep. A part of Gojyo hoped that if Hakkai thought he really was out of it, maybe the healer would continue to touch him.

It was such an about-face for the converted youkai. Gojyo usually had to practically move mountains to get the other man to allow anyone, including Gojyo himself (_especially_ Gojyo himself), to touch him except in an emergency. Of course, the red head realized, heart sinking, that in a way, this _was_ an emergency. This was the closest yet that he had come to dying on this field trip from hell, and since he was the person that Hakkai was closest to, it stood to reason that the brunette might want some tactile assurance that Gojyo was still alive and breathing.

Damn, he hated logic.

There was nothing special about Hakkai's sudden urge to reach out and touch him. Just an awkward attempt to reassure himself that his best friend was still alive and kicking after the beating he'd taken. That he was still breathing, anyway, after nearly kicking the bucket. Nothing more.

Gojyo nearly stopped breathing when those cool fingers left his chest and moved into his hair. Hakkai _never_ touched his hair. Ever. Those strong, beautiful fingers that he'd admired since he had saved the bleeding stranger on the road all those years ago, were threading through his long, red hair in a strangely intimate gesture. It was all he could do to continue to keep his breathing even, and not let on that he was really awake.

"_Yare yare_, Gojyo," breathed Hakkai, voice trembling slightly. "So very troublesome."

Gojyo was not thrilled at the way the converted youkai said those words. About to open his eyes, another fleeting touch froze him. It was the brush of lips against his forehead, slightly warm, a bit chapped, and utterly masculine. That soft, momentary touch held the hanyou still, not even daring to breath. Had he hallucinated that?

"But that's the way you are, and I wouldn't change anything about you," said the healer, his voice still a barely-heard whisper. "You wouldn't be Gojyo, otherwise."

Now Gojyo _knew_ he was either dreaming or hallucinating. Then he heard the springs of the bed he was laying on squeak as Hakkai moved. Suddenly, there was a soft pressure as those same lips that had brushed his forehead now kissed him chastely on his own lips.

Stunned, the kappa lay still for a moment, before daring to open his eyes, sure that when he did, Hakkai would disappear like the dream he must be. But no, the converted youkai healer was right there, just beginning to pull back from the soft kiss. He saw green eyes catch sight of him, widening in shock and surprise as a flush began to creep up into Hakkai's face. Knowing his best friend as well as he did, Gojyo's hand shot out and grabbed the black sleeve of his tunic to keep him from fleeing.

"Holy shit, Hakkai, did you just kiss me?"


	7. Chapter 7

Craving Touch

Chapter 7

by: eternalsailorsolarwind

Disclaimer: _Saiyuki_ and all of its characters belong to Minekura Kazuya, her Japanese publishers, Tokyopop, and several other legal entities whose names escape me at the moment. I just write fanfics with her characters for fun.

A/N: Picking up directly where we left off in chapter 6. Hakkai's point of view this time. Definite angst at the start, but we make a big break-though here. Only the epilogue remains after this. Only the epilogue remains after this, though there will also be a side story, since I want to keep the rating where it is right now. Once again, many thanks to complicait, for the superb beta job.

0o0o0o0o0o

"Holy shit, Hakkai. Did you just kiss me?"

Hakkai was held in place as much by the words as the hand on his sleeve. His panicking mind idly noted that the grip was surprisingly strong for a man in Gojyo's current condition. Of course, that mind also pointed out other details, such as how deeply red the eyes looking at him were right then, and that the kappa desperately needed a shave.

He also knew that he had less than a minute to come up with a plausible excuse for kissing his best friend. His best friend who had no romantic interest in men in general, and Hakkai in particular. It was unfortunate that his mind refused to cooperate, frozen with shock at Gojyo's disbelieving question.

"Hakkai," Gojyo asked, beginning to sound strained. "Come on man, say something."

Blinking stupidly, the healer mentally shook himself, attempting to function normally.

"Your grip is still as strong as ever, Gojyo," the converted youkai replied, long practice allowing his voice to sound pleasant and slightly aloof. In other words, completely normal. Act normal, and perhaps Gojyo will be distracted. Act normal, and it never happened. "I had worried that your injuries may have left you with a lingering weakness. And we both know what Sanzo would have said about that."

The redhead stared at him for a moment. "You sure can shovel the shit, Hakkai. It's amazing how sweet-smelling yours is, too."

The brunette stilled, hearing the venom in those words, killing any hope of distracting the other man. Really, it was amazing the shouting hadn't started already. "Gojyo?"

The kappa's voice was tight with blossoming anger. "You just kissed me, Hakkai. Twice."

The healer opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Hakkai was beginning to wonder where he had left his brain this morning, as he was able to do little more than react to Gojyo. And why on earth that obviously-malfunctioning organ thought it would be a good idea to kiss the other man, even if he'd thought the redhead asleep at the time, was completely beyond him.

"Twice!" Gojyo struggled to push himself upright, his hand still holding tightly to Hakkai's tunic sleeve. "But that ain't what's pissin' me off."

Mechanically, he helped his best friend sit up, belatedly wondering if that was such a good idea. From this vantage point, Gojyo could attempt to hit him – and possibly even make contact. But then the enormity of what the redhead said sunk in, making his head spin.

"I-it's not?" Hakkai hated himself for both the question and the way he asked it. He had a feeling that showing weakness – any kind of weakness – in front of the kappa would be a bad thing right now.

"No! You told me – to my _face_, Hakkai – that it would never happen."

Hakkai remembered back to that day when he had first woken up in the redhead's bed after his transformation into a youkai. Gojyo had been adamant that no man would ever be in his bed, and had been less than thrilled to have him there for even so mundane a reason as recuperating from a life-threatening wound. He'd hastened to assure the stranger that there was nothing to fear from him on that score. Even after moving in, Hakkai had always been careful to never give his new roommate a reason to take offense at his presence. Until now, it seemed. He opened his mouth to speak, but Gojyo steamrolled right over him.

"_I am coming to the conclusion that what's bothering me will probably never be completely __resolved_." His best friend mimicked him almost perfectly, glittering ruby eyes boring into him. "Tell me you didn't say that."

"I did say it," agreed Hakkai, nodding slowly as he tried to process what he was hearing from the other man. None of this made any sense. He hadn't been talking about kissing Gojyo then; he'd been trying to process the fact that he'd fallen in love with his best friend – and deal with the knowledge that it would always be unrequited.

He blinked green eyes at the hanyou in bewilderment. He'd said those specific words a few weeks back, right before... The connection was sudden and blinding. It was right after he'd said those words that Gojyo had shut himself off from him, disappearing into bars and generally avoiding him as much as possible. Perhaps his problem wasn't what he thought it was? There was really only one way to find out, even if it cost him a black eye or a split lip. "But I don't think I meant what you thought I did."

"No?" There was still spite in the drawled word, but the active anger was ebbing away to reveal a deep confusion. "Then tell me, smart guy, what _did_ you mean?"

Knowing that the other man preferred the direct approach, Hakkai took the bull by the horns. Or in this case, the kappa by the hair; tilting Gojyo's head back, he pressed a kiss to the wide-eyed redhead's lips. The converted youkai held the kiss for several seconds, savoring it, knowing it to be the last opportunity he would ever have to kiss his best friend. He pulled back, emerald-green eyes staring into startled ruby-red ones.

Releasing the crimson hair from his grasp, Hakkai licked his lips. "_That_ was my problem, Gojyo. Trying to come to terms with the fact that I could never do that."

He smiled wryly as his best friend gaped at him. At least he hadn't been punched yet. Finally, the other man closed his mouth, licking his own lips. The healer tensed reflexively, closing his eyes as he expected Gojyo to remember his anger and strike out. He preferred to not see the blow coming.

The tight grip on his sleeve disappeared, transferring instead to his shirtfront. A sharp gesture from the hanyou, and the brunette's head dropped the several inches necessary for the redhead's upturned lips to capture his own.

Eyes snapped open at the contact of that mouth pressing hotly against his, staring into the hanyou's watchful ones. As hard as he searched those windows into the soul of the man he had fallen in love with, he could see no anger. No disgust at kissing another man. Just something indefinable that allowed Hakkai the opportunity to hope again.

His eyes fluttered shut as Gojyo's warm, wet tongue slid along the seam of his lips. Opening his mouth with a groan, Hakkai surrendered to his own long-suppressed desires. He allowed the kappa's tongue entrance, shuddering at the electric jolt as the two brushed against each other. Deepening the kiss, his hands stole back into his best friend's hair, sealing them together. For the first time, he was able to truly taste the kappa: an indefinable smoky spiciness that reminded him of the peppery seeds of a papaya. A low moan from the other man brought the healer back from the fog of arousal he was becoming lost in.

He slowly pulled back, the passionate kiss ending as a series of small, nibbling ones. The converted youkai opened his eyes, hesitantly taking in the hanyou, wondering what was going on, if this was all a dream. To his surprise, Gojyo was smiling at him. It wasn't just any smile, either, but the simple, clean smile that lit up his best friend's face, and made heads turn to look at him. He'd fallen in love with that smile long before, perhaps because it was the only one that the redhead could not manipulate to his advantage.

It was something that over the years had always made him feel good when it made an appearance. But Hakkai almost never saw it, especially not directed at him.

"Gojyo," asked the converted youkai carefully, "Am I dreaming, or have the last few weeks finally taken their toll on you?"

"Huh," questioned the red-eyed man, still retaining a tight grip on his shirtfront. "What're you talking about?"

"_You_ kissed _me_, Gojyo," replied Hakkai, letting his emerald eyes glint at the man lying on the bed. "I was under the impression you would never do such a thing."

The stranglehold on his shirt released, and Gojyo relaxed back onto the bed. He rubbed his face with his hands, frowning as he felt the whiskers on his chin. "Why didn't you shave me?"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai's voice was strained and irritated at the irrelevant question. "I didn't have a straight razor and the angle was too awkward for your disposable. Would you _please_ answer me?"

"It's you, Hakkai," Gojyo replied suddenly, his voice dead serious. The irritation flowed out of the brunette as his eyes widened at the redhead's words. "Anyone else, it wouldn't happen. It _couldn't_ happen. But for some reason...I dunno, it's just _right_."

Hakkai didn't know whether to laugh, cry or hit the other man. "So, you're telling me that you wanted to kiss me, but didn't. Instead, you've been out drinking for several weeks and _avoiding_ me. And to top it off, you nearly get yourself killed. I hope, for your sake, there is a good explanation for this."

The redhead cringed slightly at his tone of voice. "Come on, Hakkai. I had no idea you wanted the same thing. I mean, you barely let anyone touch you, let alone anything _else_. What was I supposed to think?"

"So this is all my fault," the healer asked, his voice just this side of absolute zero.

"No! Damn it, Hakkai." Frustration and defensiveness colored the kappa's voice, as he ran his fingers through his long hair. "I didn't say it was your fault. I just meant that...that I didn't think you'd want to know."

Pausing, Gojyo looked away before continuing, "You're my best friend, man. But I just...damn it, I sound like a lovesick woman. I just didn't want to lose you to this. If being your friend's all I could have, then fine."

"So you went out to drink yourself to death instead?"

Wincing, the other man looked back at him. "Okay, I admit I was stupid. I thought you didn't...couldn't... Anyway, I was looking for answers at the bottom of a bottle. And I kept hoping the next bottle would give me something that the last one didn't."

Hakkai frowned at him. His actions had been so very like and unlike Gojyo. It was no surprise that he'd been caught flat-footed by his best friend, especially as engrossed with his own issues as he'd been. Amazing what fools they'd both been. Sanzo was right, they really _did_ deserve each other. Unable to help himself, he laughed.

"What's so funny," the redhead asked suspiciously.

"Us, I'm afraid," replied the converted youkai, subsiding into a real smile. "Sanzo does have the right of it: we do deserve each other, especially considering how stupid we've been."

Pausing to mull that over, Gojyo eventually chuckled ruefully. "Yeah, well. I doubt the bastard was talking about something like this."

"You never know," reflected the brunette. "He sees more than you think; he just refuses to comment most of the time."

"Who cares, anyway? We got things figured out, and we're not mad at each other anymore." That last was said with quite a bit of hope, and while Hakkai knew things weren't perfect, at least they were on the right track. He nodded, which caused the redhead to grin. "And I'm healing fine, so why don't we..."

"Gojyo." Hakkai looked at him severely, though he knew there was a twinkle in his eye. "No. You're not healed enough for that yet."

"I feel fine... and how'd you know what I was thinking about, anyway?"

"Because the same thought crossed my mind. And you're not up to it yet," replied Hakkai. His lips twitched as he followed the other man's eyes south. "Poor choice of words, perhaps. The answer remains the same, however. The rest of your body isn't ready for something so ...energetic."

"But..."

"No, Gojyo. Not until you're fully recuperated." Leaning over, he whispered in his best friend's ear, "I want to make sure you have enough ...stamina, Gojyo. You'll need it."

He silenced any further protests with a long, lingering kiss that was full of many, many promises.


	8. Chapter 8

Craving Touch

Chapter 8

by: eternalsailorsolarwind AKA youkaigirl

Disclaimer: _Saiyuki_ and all of its characters are owned by Minekura Kazuya, her Japanese publishers, and Tokyopop. I just write fanfics with her characters.

A/N: Once again, many thanks to complicait for the beta. Okay, so this was supposed to be a side story, but worked out better as part of the main story itself. Definite lemon alert for this chapter, as Gojyo and Hakkai finally get their act together. There is a slight bit of drama, however... Shifting perspectives.

0o0o0o0o0o

"Come _on_, Hakkai. I'm fine. It's been a month, and its not like I haven't been fighting youkai along with the rest of you." Gojyo leaned back in his chair and put his feet up. He pulled out his pack and lighter, fishing for his last remaining cigarette.

As he lit up, relishing that first rush of nicotine, his eyes caught the healer's. If after over four weeks spent recuperating (with near-perpetual blue balls) and several long battles he still wasn't "fit," he never would be. Had he not known better, the hanyou could have dismissed the converted youkai's reluctance to pronounce him healed enough to move forward in their relationship as sheer nerves. But he did know better.

The last four weeks had been a steady progression from strained silence on both their parts to nearly dry humping the day before. His touch-phobic best friend suddenly couldn't keep his hands to himself. Not that Gojyo minded in the least.

Green eyes took on a considering look. "Perhaps you are healed at that. But I would like to make sure first."

Pinching off the end of the cigarette so he could finish it later, Gojyo smothered a grin. His nightly examinations by Hakkai, though they always started out as proper medical procedures, they no longer ended that way. Once the _doctor_ was satisfied, the _man_ came out to play. And he was all for playing.

Rather than keep either of them waiting, the redhead got up and crossed to his bed, stripping off his shirt before he laid down. He did smile this time as those green eyes darkened to the color of fresh-cut pine: a sure sign that his best friend was getting excited.

The kappa's chest was still wrapped in gauze, even if it was mostly just there as a reminder to be careful. There was only a thin pad under the wrapping, in case the angry red seam of his wound opened and bled. He made a show of getting himself comfortable, finally pillowing his head on his hands to keep his arms out of the healer's way.

The amusement in the green eyes showed the hanyou that his efforts were noticed – and appreciated. He began his examinations as he always did, taking the redhead's temperature and checking his reflexes. There was a new twist on taking his pulse, however; Hakkai gently placed his hand directly over the beating heart to count the beats. The slight coolness of the other man's hand seeped through his bandages, causing the taller man to shiver slightly.

"Heart function normal," murmured the converted youkai. "That's a good sign."

Opening his mouth to make a joke, Gojyo was surprised to suddenly have his lips occupied by Hakkai's. He managed to groan as a hot, wet tongue slid along his own. Reaching up, his fingers knotted into the mink-soft hair to keep the brunette right where he was. After several long minutes, just as he was about to pull his best friend down on top of him, the healer pulled back slightly.

"Lung function normal." Hakkai's voice was breathless. "An even better sign"

"Stop teasing," the kappa grumbled, his fingers still in that rich brown hair. He let his thumb just brush the outer shell of a sensitive ear, causing the other man to shudder.

"Hai hai," agreed the converted youkai, humor in his tone. "Let me check the wound itself. Sit up, please."

The clever hands that the redhead had secretly admired for years deftly unwound the gauze from his torso before removing the thin pad laying over the lengthy scar. The raised, slightly puckered line of skin was still a fading red - not yet the white of scar tissue. Green eyes stared at it, judging the still-healing wound. "It's as healed as I can reasonably expect it to be, given all of your bad habits."

Chuckling softly, red eyes met green. "But I've been a good boy, Doc."

"Indeed," replied the healer with a small smile. "Let me finish my examination, and then we'll discuss your 'reward'".

Grinning, the kappa settled himself more comfortably. The word "examination" had become much less clinical over the last few weeks, and were starting to border on the pornographic. Playing doctor had never been so much fun. To be fair, his best friend did start out with the more medically approved tests, like checking his reflexes. The redhead's knees dutifully twitched when tapped.

The brunette surprised Gojyo this time. Cool fingers slid up the bared torso, causing him to shiver and his nipples to harden. A fractional increase of the ever-present smile was followed by a gentle caress of the newly-sensitized flesh, bringing them to hard, aching nubs. The hanyou sighed, a soft, pleased sound.

Rolling, twisting, pinching; his nipples were gently tortured, sending shocks straight to his groin. The hanyou arched, seeking friction to relieve the throbbing in his now-erect cock. Frustrated, he groaned.

"One more little test," murmured Hakkai, his head descending. The red eyed man felt a hot, wet tongue slide across his nipple before lips closed around it and suckled hungrily.

"Nnngh...Hakkai!" Gojyo grabbed for the brunette, who deflected him, mouth still busy.

A small chuckle escaped the converted youkai as he raised his head slightly, tongue still teasing hardened nubs. One hand made its way down the leanly muscled chest, sliding between two jean-clad legs to find the hardness waiting for him. "Maa maa, Gojyo. It seems you are truly healed after all."

"Finally," breathed the hanyou, his hands snapping up to find purchase in the healer's tunic and pulling him down on him. "Waited long enough."

Green eyes widened as Hakkai suddenly fell forward, landing on his best friend's – soon to be lover's – body. He relished the warmth of the man beneath him, a novel sensation for him to be this close to anyone. The kappa quickly rolled them both over, so that the redhead was on top. A hot mouth descended on his; nibbling, suckling, demanding entrance.

Opening his mouth to meet the unspoken request, his tongue dueled for dominance with the welcome invader; each brush of the two sending electric sparks straight to his groin. A groan escaped the brunette as he again tasted the hanyou: a peppery, smoky flavor that had him deepening the kiss, wanting more. It was Gojyo who pulled back first, pressing softer kisses across the converted youkai's jaw and throat.

Every kiss kindled new fire in the healer's veins. Hands sliding over his clothed body made him ache for the sensation of skin on skin. It had been so long since he'd felt this way; he'd forgotten what to do next.

"You, my friend, are entirely overdressed," a deep voice whispered in his ear, reading his increasingly disjointed mind. "Let's take care of that right now."

Hakkai was quickly stripped, frenzied fingers learning the new terrain suddenly laid bare. So lost in the sensations that the redhead was evoking, playing his body like a virtuoso, that the brunette had completely forgotten the scar on his abdomen until fingers ran gently along it. He stiffened, though his body continued to sing with growing pleasure. His body trembled as it awaited his brain's decision: stop or go forward.

A kiss on the center of the scarred skin soothed his troubled soul. Red eyes glanced up to meet green as pink lips again pressed gently on the white tissue. Knowledge and acceptance were in those eyes, but Gojyo had known the truth about him since the beginning.

"It doesn't make you any less, you know. The scar, I mean," rumbled the kappa, dropping another soft kiss to the knot of flesh. "Sure, it's always gonna be a reminder, like my...like other things. You're more than just that scar. And the people that matter - the ones who know you - don't care that you have it, or how you got it."

Reaching out, the converted youkai threaded his fingers through that gorgeous crimson hair. It was amazing, really, how often his best friend managed to astonish him. He chuckled softly as Gojyo leaned into the touch, as if the other man was being petted. "Sanzo had it right all those years ago. Red is the color of fire and passion. Two qualities you have in abundance. I only see life when I look at you now."

He saw something indefinable shift in those eyes before the kappa surged forward to claim his mouth in a heated kiss that left him breathless and alive all the way to his toes. In the blink of an eye, the hanyou was back where he had been, kissing the scar. Fingers slid farther south, dancing delicately along a lean thigh, causing the healer to grunt in surprise. The action was more erotic than expected, and his erection twitched in response. He suddenly wanted something he could neither explain nor understand how to ask for.

A gasp escaped him as warm fingers slid up his penis from root to head before grasping him firmly. The heat alone from the hand that held him so carefully was enough to cause the green-eyed man to shudder. A few gentle strokes were too much after so long without, and he climaxed with a soft cry.

Gojyo gentled him, talented hands stroking his trembling thighs while the brunette came down from his first orgasm in years, gulping air. Hakkai barely took in the hanyou cleaning him of his hot, sticky release until a wet tongue swirled carefully around the head of his dick, causing it to begin hardening again.

Watching himself be devoured by the kappa's greedy mouth, eyes the color of flame caught his attention. Desire and love burned in those red depths, and the converted youkai found himself becoming lost in them.

A warm, slick fingertip gently probing at his entrance brought the brunette up short, and he tensed, briefly wondering when the other man had grabbed the lube. The finger stilled, then began to circle the tight ring of muscle until it relaxed, allowing the digit to sink in to the first knuckle. The converted youkai whimpered at the strangeness of the intrusion, muscles tightening around it. The cool gel of the lube touched him just before Gojyo swallowed his cock, making him cry out and relax enough for the finger to slide father inside him.

The healer watched that red head bob over his penis, distracting him from the finger working inside to stretch him for what was to come. Pushing back against the intrusion experimentally, he moaned as he was rewarded with a stab of pleasure.

A chuckle rumbled to his ears. "So that's where it is. Good to know."

More cool gel, and a slight sting as a second finger was added; the green-eyed man felt his legs draw up of their own accord: better to push against those fingers fucking him. His body relaxed, accepting the kappa's fingers, wanting – needing – more. Desire, locked away for years, burst free, making the converted youkai reach for his weeping cock, stroking it in time with the triple digits sliding inside him.

His best friend gently batted his hand away from his erection. "Sorry, 'Kai, but the next time you come, it's gonna be 'cause I'm in you."

Hakkai whined, wanting his release; wanting the redhead to fuck him.

Another chuckle, and the whisper of denim sliding down skin floated to the healer as Gojyo leaned up to kiss him hard, the faint taste of himself still lingering along the tongue twining desperately with his. Distracted by the kiss, the healer tightened instinctively as a hot, thick object bumped against his prepared entrance. After a heartbeat, realizing what it was, the converted youkai relaxed, opening himself to the hanyou's cock.

Inch by inch, that bone-hard thickness worked its way into him, his body alternately gripping and relaxing with each forward movement. The brunette's body sang with both pain and pleasure until his best friend was balls-deep within him. They panted in time together, and green-eyed man looked up at the man who was now his lover.

Every muscle stood out, tight with tension as the other man held himself still, waiting for the body beneath him to be ready for him to move. To accept the heady mix of lust and love that flowed in those red eyes. Trusting him with every thing he had to give, Hakkai reached up and tugged Gojyo down to kiss him deeply.

As his tongue slid into the hanyou's mouth, the brunette rocked back against the kappa, causing them both to break the kiss with a groan. Jewel-toned eyes locked as the redhead began to carefully move inside the converted youkai.

Lips met again, briefly, before moving on to taste sweat-dampened skin. Nibbling, sucking, licking, biting, until the green-eyed man thought he would be driven mad with sensation. His cock, trapped between their sweat-slicked bodies, was crying out in pleasure with every movement they made.

The kappa sped up the rhythm of his thrusts, pulling the healer along willingly, meeting each one with lustful abandon. Lost in the haze of desire, moans, and groans, unknown words tumbled from the brunette lips as his legs locked around his lover's hips.

A well-timed thrust hit that spot again, and the converted youkai saw stars, a whimper escaping him. Strong hands grasped his hips, holding him in place so each thrust angled into the same place over and over.

"Hakkai," begged a harsh whisper in his ear, "_Please_...!"

As if given permission, the brunette came, his orgasm slamming into him like a fist. His cock spurted between them, sticky fluid covering their chests and abdomen. His ass clenched rhythmically around the hanyou's dick deep inside him. "Gojyo!"

A choked, inarticulate cry answered him, and his lover drove frantically into him, cock spasming with his release.

Slowly, the thrusts came to a stop, and the kappa collapsed onto him. The redhead panted in his ear for a minute, trying to catch his breath. Pressing his face into the join of Gojyo's neck and shoulder, the brunette attempted to calm his own rapid breathing, inhaling the other man's musky scent with every breath.

After a minute, the hanyou slid from the healer's body, nipping playfully at an earlobe as he settled next to the converted youkai. Hakkai allowed himself to be pulled into his lover's embrace. As strong, warm arms wrapped around him, the green-eyed man realized that for the first time in years, he was not craving the touch of another. His need was finally quiet - for the moment.

Comfortable in the afterglow, Gojyo marveled as he held his new lover in his arms. He'd fucked around plenty in his life, but he'd never had a lover before. Hell, before Hakkai, there'd never been a best friend either. Kind of made sense to him that the converted youkai would be both for him.

Almost of their own accord, the kappa's hands slid over the healer, soothing and gentling him. Tension from overused muscles caused them to twitch under his touch, and the redhead knew he needed to get them both down to the bathhouse before muscles seized altogether. The brunette made a soft sound, and the hanyou kissed a shoulder, hands never stopping. The touches were sensual, yet not designed to arouse.

They'd come full circle, the red eyed man realized. He still offered the other man what he needed to survive – even if what that was had changed slightly – and Hakkai still accepted what he needed only from him. Understandably pleased with their arrangement, he suggested a soak to keep them from stiffening up.

"'Sides, I don't want to get shot at if his Unholiness decides to send the _saru_ to look for us or something."

Grinning as the brunette hurriedly got up from the bed, the hanyou whispered about what else the bathhouse was good for. He wasn't disappointed when green eyes darkened again with desire, silently urging the redhead to hurry.

The more things change...


	9. Epilogue

Craving Touch

Epilogue

by: eternalsailorsolarwind AKA youkaigirl

Disclaimer: _Saiyuki_ and all of its characters are owned by Minekura Kazuya, her Japanese publishers, and Tokyopop. I just write fanfics with them for fun.

A/N: And so it ends. Or does it...? Written from Sanzo's point of view, now that Gojyo and Hakkai have finally gotten themselves together.

0o0o0o0o0o

Genjyo Sanzo was highly displeased. He had, over the last year or so, become very used to having his morning coffee and his breakfast waiting for him when he got up. Thanks to the idiots he traveled with, he'd become something of a morning person – since early mornings were the only peaceful times left to him. No annoying _saru_ invading his head, no oversexed kappa. Just peace and quiet.

No matter how early he got up, however, Hakkai had always beaten him. Somehow, the converted youkai timed things so his coffee was ready for him just after he sat down with his paper. Sanzo had been pleased – most of the time – with the arrangement, and expected it would continue for the rest of the insane trip west. Barring injury, of course. He'd recently discovered that that wasn't going to be the case.

He blamed Gojyo for this turn of events, though he (in the silence of his mind) did not begrudge Hakkai his little bit of happiness; just wishing he didn't have to hear the two of them going at it night after night after night. It was way past time the healer got over his obsession with his dead sister anyway. Lighting up his first cigarette of the day, the blonde turned to his paper, again grumbling about the lack of caffeine.

About halfway through his second cigarette, the familiar sound of the brunette's footsteps came to him, and the monk lowered the paper to glare daggers at the the green-eyed man. Completely unfazed, Hakkai offered him a small smile and bustled over to the coffee pot.

"I am sorry, Sanzo. It seems I overslept a bit. I'll start your coffee, and begin breakfast."

Grunting in response, Sanzo tipped his paper back up, thinking evil thoughts about a certain hanyou. Soon, a steaming cup of coffee was placed at his elbow, and his plans of well-placed punishment dissipated. A kick in the balls would only infuriate the converted youkai anyway, and he had no wish to deal with his passive-aggressive retribution.

The smell of cooking food floated to the purple-eyed monk, and he knew that Goku would soon be making an appearance. It occurred to him that making the golden-eyed young man roust the redhead out of bed might be a good idea...until he remembered why Gojyo was likely still asleep. He had no intention of letting the hanyou corrupt his charge any more than he already had.

The sound of raised voices came to him, and the monk knew that Goku and Gojyo had finally decided to join the land of the waking.

"Stupid gimpy kappa! Get the hell out of the way! _Harehetta_," whined the monkey as he tried to pass the taller man in the hall.

"Bastard. Get off my back, will ya? I'm movin' as fast as I can," the redhead's whiskey voice edged into a snarl. "It ain't like the food's gonna walk away."

Frowning behind his paper, Sanzo wondered why Goku was calling the hanyou a gimp. His last major wound was to the chest, not a leg. Right?

"Ah, Sanzo," said Hakkai, interrupting his thoughts. The healer placed a dish down beside him. "I believe we'll need to stay here for a day. Gojyo is in no shape to be bouncing along the poor roads they have in this area, I'm afraid."

Not even taking his eyes off his paper, the monk responded, "Hell no. We're leaving right after breakfast. If he's not ready, we'll leave his sorry ass."

"I really must insist, Sanzo."

It was the tone that made the purple-eyed man look up to meet an unyielding green gaze. He blinked, attempting to understand why Hakkai was being so adamant about the kappa getting a day off.

Realization struck, and the monk's head slowly rotated as he lowered the paper just in time to see the redhead easing himself into a chair with a wince. Once he was down, the hanyou maneuvered until he was comfortable, and then relaxed. All in all, he looked like he'd been...ridden hard – and proud of it. Sanzo's head rotated back to face the converted youkai, who flushed slightly under his horrified gaze. He did _not_ want to know.

"Half a day."

Looking unapologetic, the brunette replied, "We'd have to camp out, and..."

Unbidden, images of Hakkai and Gojyo entwined in the tent appeared in his head. Shuddering, he raised his paper as a barrier to hide his own flush. "Fine. One day. If he's not ready tomorrow, we _will_ leave him."

"Thank you, Sanzo." The healer sounded quite satisfied. "I'll make sure he is ready to continue tomorrow."

Not bothering to respond, the blonde continued to hide behind his paper. He _really_ did not want to know.


End file.
